The final countdown is officially on! I literally sang this song when I got the weekly email saying "only five weeks left" and then it hit me, holy crap, this is REALLY happening! The doctors have been watching me closely pretty much my whole pregnancy and with each trip to Labor and Delivery I get the confused looks when they read my medical history especially with just the pregnancy losses, one of the nurses literally said oh shit, you've been through a lot! I dont think she meant to say it out loud, but it happened and I just kind of chuckled and was like yea, it happens. I guess when you look at a normal 25 year old woman you dont expect such a complicated history, especially when you're already a mother to one healthy happy girl.
I have a great community of ladies who have turned into friends who helped support me when we were trying to conceive(TTC), taking meds, and going through each rainstorm to get to this rainbow. It still boggles my mind how I got to be this lucky, and although my pregnancy has been less than perfect, I've been sick as hell, scared and anxious the end is near and that makes me incredibly excited and sad.
I think when you devote your life to something whether it be completing school, saving money for that new car or expanding your family its exciting and exhausting. You know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but no idea how long and hard you will have to work to get there. I remember when we were TTC looking at pregnant women feeling angry and bitter especially when they complained...then I turned into that woman I hated. Truth is, no matter how much struggle it took to get to the end goal its not easy or fun all the time. You will be sore, tired, and often times feel like giving up. I had a few dark months where I shut down to my closest of friends and kind of just did the mom thing with Jaelynn and anything above or beyond that was just meh. I finally talked to my doctors about it and we agreed that I needed more help. After a panel of labs to be sure I wasnt deficient in vitamins or necessary things and it all came back normal so I took the plunge to go back on anti-depressants. I hate taking meds period, but they truly do seem to help (placebo or not-I dont feel as sad or lonely) and I feel like I have control over more things. Anxiety I think will always be there, Justin often pokes fun at how much I worry about things-most of it being petty things like what will Jaelynn wear to Easter Brunch or how will the baby do when Jaelynn wont share her toys-things that really wont be a huge deal ever, yet I lose sleep over them and it takes over my entire life. The small things shouldn't matter this much to anyone but it consumes my every thought. I still struggle with this but it has been better once I started talking with others about it. Poor Justin gets to hear most of the chaos known as my thoughts...Husband/Father of the year for sure!
Overall we are pretty excited. Nervous-hell yes, but everything somehow always works out in the end and I know this will be no different. I think about how I'm going to do it "alone" with two kids. Justin's in school and works full time, Jaelynn will be in school for a good month or so once baby is here but there will be times where it will be me alone with both kids and it terrifies me to think that I will be responsible for not just one other life, but two...one of which is pretty self sufficient but still needs love and attention and another who will rely 110% on me for feedings, changes, love etc. I'm sure there will be some jealousy issues with Jaelynn and when that comes I will have to try to help her while letting her help and teach me. Balancing act for sure but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and there are people in my life who are all offering to help and support me which means the world, just hope I'm not too stubborn to actually take people up on their offers and remember its okay to ask for help. Sure I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than it really needs to be but as any mother will tell you, our job is hard! Going from one to two is a big change, and I barely feel like I have the hang of motherhood with one kid and have almost 6 years of practice under my belt.
I will do my best to keep everyone posted when the time does come, but I think I want to keep it as small and intimate as possible. Not to hurt anyone's feelings, but this very well could be the last time we get to do this (or want to!) and with how fast they get you in and out of the hospital these days I don't think we will allow many visitors in the hospital. I go back and forth with this decision and I know its all mine to choose but chaos always follows me and even if its just a 24-48 hour moment of sanity I will take it.
Thanks for all the love, support, kind gifts, and donations from family and friends. We wouldn't be here without many of you and cannot wait for you all to meet Juliet Marie :)